i really, really had a great time at pcp. far better than any pcp in the past, and it's weird, because there is only one reason for this: i am opening up to people more and fearing rejection less. it's truly that simple.

this year off feels weird and awkward, but maybe it's the time in my life where i must resolve these deep issues (after all, it's too hard to focus on introspection when you have external stress that you truly care about: class vs retail job)

now it's time to start preparing for two greatly contrasting events: afterburn and the mcat.

haha.

01. Anyone who looks at this entry has to post this meme and their current wallpaper at their LiveJournal.
02. Explain in five sentences why you're using that wallpaper!
03. Don't change your wallpaper before doing this! The point is to see what you had on.



it's actually unusual for me to have a colorful desktop; usually it's either gray skies or anime characters. perhaps choosing desktops like this is what happens as one gets older? just the sort of thing you don't realize you're doing, but you do anyway? for example, transitioning to jazz music from rock (which i kind of hope i never do, but i've been told to expect that change at around 28 to 30).

anyway, i've liked green snakes since about, oh, april 27th.

and my closest friend for almost 10 years now might finally make it down here for halloween+pcp! holy crap, so excited!!

that is all! :D

i had the weirdest experience last night/this morning (haha, just got goosebumps thinking about it). i was EXHAUSTED after working/class from 9 to 9 so i basically flopped into bed. woke up an hour later, migrated to the couch (i do this 3-5x a week) then slept 2-5. woke up when my brother was making breakfast, was uncomfortable and had to bring blankets and stuffed animals to the couch (and princess mononoke with no intention of actually watching, just sleeping to the sound), succeeded in falling asleep again at 8am. but this is where it got weird.

right before i fell asleep, i had this tingly opiate-like feeling. then i felt like i was in this zone where lots of "something with no bodies" were walking around the living room, and at first it was okay then it FREAKED ME OUT and i woke up, grabbed my phone and started pacing. but i was super-exhausted still, so i lay back down and pulled the stuffies over me. SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN only this time, i felt like i floated over to my bedroom door. and the outside door was wide open and creating a draft, so i closed my door to keep whatever was inside my room inside. instead, it started clamoring at the door and my doppelganger (??) was holding on to the doorknob trying to keep whatever from getting out. i can still see my door bending to the pounding of the something.

lol. i guess my dreams are telling me that i don't store my skeletons in the closet, but in my room. and apparently they walk around the living room sometimes.

that, or i should choose to sleep to anime that refers to spiritual beings less frequently.

ANYWAY. this is my first (and last) day off for a while. they scheduled me to close every night next week except for the night i have class. that's terrible. but it has inspired me to look for other jobs. right now, i'm communicating with a lady who runs the addiction counseling at coastal. i might end up getting hired there (which would be an AWESOME slap in the face to that ncf counselor.) i thought it was a little ironic at first, because i don't have a problem with people that do certain things...but i had to re-evaluate. i strongly, strongly dislike addictive substances. cocaine, heroin? i don't know anyone that uses these substances, but i know i CERTAINLY am opposed to them. and with good reason.

i'm also liking the suggestion in my last post to look for very different jobs. that might be just what i need to do (although i'm not sure where to start?)

damn! i'm talking about jobs again. what else is there to talk about...crystal's get-together last weekend was really quite nice, and made me realize that sometimes the best evenings are the most chill. the glenn beck wall was silly, as was the intention. i doubt glenn beck honestly gives a crap though.

queer ball tonight. i'm off, but i probably won't go. i've never been. i'm not uncomfortable with the subject, i'm just not entirely straight either and when you consider that i'm also asexual, it gets very confusing. bisexual and asexual sound like they cancel each other out. except i really would like a relationship sometime down the road, and i'm not opposed to either gender...the catch is that i'm just not interested in sex. hey, i never talk about this, do i? haha. whatever. i'm definitely not interested in a relationship of any sort anytime soon, so i shouldn't talk about this. i'm pretty sure it would change most people's perception of me (whatever that perception is) and the last thing i want to be associated with is anything remotely related to sexuality. there you go, THAT is it. that statement makes the most sense of anything i've said thus far: i do not want to be associated with sexuality. yep, yep, that's it! aaand that's probably why i'll stay home tonight. 0_o

i feel strange. like i shouldn't be enjoying working retail as much as i am (after all, it presents some VERY SERIOUS inner conflicts). but i do like the people, the job isn't bad, and holy crap - paychecks! plus i've got direct deposit this round so i have more control over my money (it's complicated why i haven't in the past, but whatever).

actually, i had an epiphany after looking at facebook status updates. i don't feel like intense new college classes - i want a break from all that hard work (of a different type). i'm..glad to be where i am? yes, i miss it, but...i couldn't hold onto it forever, could i?

and the whip cream dispenser is so amazing, oh man. it's so easy to use! the only thing is, splenda doesn't lift as well as powdered sugar, which you are supposed to use. although i'm wondering if running it through a coffee grinder would make any kind of difference? eh, probably not. now if only i could figure out how to make f'acon chocolate bars. i guess i need an emulsifier and a double broiler? damnit. they make baker's chocolate look so appealing, don't they? :(

umm.

i do have a job. however, it is a very part time job (18 hours?). and it doesn't start for another week. but, okay. yay for sports authority for deciding that they actually could use me after all in a time when NOBODY is hiring.


inspired by crystal, ( picture game )

but i've never been turned down for a job following an interview. especially not one which seemed so promising.

i don't understand.

somehow, i have developed a talent i never thought possible: sleeping 20 hours a day. yes, that's right, i was awake a grand total of eight hours this weekend.

where on earth did my insomnia run off to!??

and amazingly enough, i am still extremely exhausted.

i think we found a house!

and i DO have a place to stay in aug/sept.

now to start packing all over again. yuck.

i've decided that i can't possibly describe how wonderful pcp was, so i'm not going to try. graduation, i can kind of describe. much because wearing that dress determined the atmosphere. i got off the ncf trolley (which felt like a carriage), went into college hall (which felt like a mansion), and walked the graduation ceremony (with people yelling my name and taking pictures?? it felt like something, though i'm not sure what!) so, yes, "magical" indeed.

and now it's over, now i'm a ncf graduate. it feels unreal, in a lot of ways. it feels like it never happened. do you realize that i never sought out ncf, it beckoned to me..and do you realize that if i had attended usf even two years later, i probably never would have seen it in the first place? how about if we never came to sarasota! if...so many if's! this is why there must be fate. destiny. god. some higher power that directs your life. yes, there must be, or i would still be living a mediocre life, working a useless job and never having realized i'm capable of anything beyond a psych BA from usf.

well, now i realize it, and now i'm going to work for it.

more on that later though, the moving situation is indicating that we're going to stay here. everything else is expensive, and though our landlord is neglectful, he's not inherently awful. which means selling the place in p'cola (but seriously, when you've been away from a place for 5 years, there isn't much to pull you back anymore).

soo, my graduating friends, if you need a place to stay, we have some pull-out couches here :)

it's starting to hit me how very, very much i'm going to miss you :(

i'm not experiencing mixed feelings. i'm actually...only excited. but the reason for this is because i took an extra year. and i suppose all of my negative feelings occurred last year for that reason (as in, oh god, i have to wait an entire extra year!) but now, here i am, and it's done (and it flew by, for that matter!) and i passed o chem (and gen chem 2, i remember when that was a concern!) i am SO ready to move on...so ready to begin life with a degree. i know, not that it means too terribly much in this society, but it's something. i can finally get a job using it (theoretically), and if that all goes to hell, it's full-time USF in the fall. bobby has already offered me a room at his parents house for two months until i find a place of my own, which given my financial situation is incredibly helpful.

so i sort of have until late august to prepare to live on my own again. i haven't tried it for 5.5 years, but oh god - i am so ready.

and YAY tonight! holy crap, i am so excited. in case i haven't told you, i'm going to be a stimulus package. i already sewed a fuzzy boa into my costume, and now i have to stitch in six LED lights, figure out how to make earrings out of two more LED lights, and i still need to buy candy necklaces and pacifiers, and maybe some vicks too depending on how much money i have. i also have nine glow sticks and a flashing necklace. um, this night is going to be great, yes.

right, and i graduate too. keep forgetting that part. XD

hmm. newman hasn't given me an evaluation yet. i hope this is not a problem?

also, my transcript is ridiculous. does it give any indication of what i want to do with my life, or does it look as scattered as i feel??

Work Satisfactorily Completed (grouped together by my logic)

Chemistry and Society*
General Chemistry I*
Organic I, Structure & Reactivity
Chemistry Inquiry Laboratory
Organic II, Structure and Reactivity

Physics I*
Introduction to Genetics
Tutorial: Anatomy and Physiology
Independent Reading Project: Nutrition
Tutorial: Exploring Professional Options in Alternative Medicine

Human Origins and Evolution*
Integrative Learning: The Components of Intellectual Growth
Afro-Modern Dance

Philosophy of Science
The Problem of Evil*
Jewish Scriptures*
Jewish Mysticism
Tutorial: Western Religious Tradition
Asian Religions*
Asian Religions in America*
Lam Rim Chen Mo*
Nature and the Religious Imagination in America
Religion in the American South
Tutorial: Thesis

Independent Study Projects Completed
The Effect of Sugar Consumption on Sleep
Exorcism and Illness: From Antiquity to the Present


Senior Project or Thesis Title & Date Passed Baccalaureate Exam:
Holistic Prevention Through the Religious Approach 4/1/2008

so, i've been neglecting this journal. mainly because, i've been busy as hell! i wrote my paper for jewish mysticism, which i honestly think turned out very well (it should have, i spent about 18 hours on it, and i sincerely mean that). i have a topic for my lam rim chen mo paper (health benefits of tibetan meditation techniques..special permission to go kind of off topic, but that's why i love new college). and i totally nailed that o chem exam (again, about four days of intense studying). in addition, i went to natalie's bacc, which she clearly put a lot of time into, and last weekend was a potluck for my birthday+fetish ball. my friends were able to make amaaazing food, including a ridiculously good sugar-free chocolate cake (and to think, i was going to forego cake this year!) and then i won the fetish ball costume contest with that little miss muffett costume. seriously, life's been good lately.

whew.

but, in future planning, i've been thinking a lot about life after new college. which starts, you know, in four weeks. i'm still pretty intent on pursuing a career in nutrition. it's strange though, the more i study this field, the more i realize how very inaccurate most of us perceive nutrition. i mean, i think i eat a healthy diet, but in truth...i definitely miss out on certain vitamins/minerals simply because i lack enough variety. also, i'm realizing that things we consider healthy food, like tofu, for example, really aren't the best choices. especially if eaten with great frequency (hello, vegans).

in light of this fact...actually pursuing a career in nutrition means that i'm going to conduct research that probably will upset certain people. and considering that most of the funding comes from companies that want you to, um, "discover" the health benefits of their foods...you're not going to be making any money if your conclusions don't uplift their product. example: say the south beach diet company wants you, as a nutrition researcher, to discover the health benefits of eating their frozen food line. well...i can certainly tell you that the "health benefits" of their processed foods are going to be minimal....at best. so, um, who's going to pay me to research THAT?

le sigh. i'm kind of wondering if this whole pursuit might turn out to be in vain. the only way it wouldn't is if i can TRULY become a professor of nutrition, and research natural foods that aren't man-made. but am i capable of that kind of career?? i..don't know.

well, it's been fun brainstorming for pcp. i think we have some pretty good ideas. i also think we have some pretty strong competition. as it stands right now, i'm torn whether i want to continue to invest in this planning at least until after the voting. it could be all for nothing, and given the appeal (?) to this great depression pcp...i just don't want to spend more time on it for naught.

so, we don't give up. in fact, we still hope we win (vote for us!). but, in all truth...i'm not sure we're going to win. i've been pretty darn good at predicting who wins these in the past and. yeah. we're not charismatic. we're not the in crowd. and we're not funny. (but, we are good party planners, when we work together. ie, exotic fantasy wall.)

blah.

i just hope this pcp is decent, because every other witty pcp has been a disappointment. :|

THIS over palm court entrance, above the yellow brick road

um, pink floyd?

poppy field chill-out room

here's the question. will first and second years vote for it?

wizard of oz pcp

entrance to ham center - all monochrome decorations
palm court - yellow brick road, lots of over-sized flowers and bright colors, movie playing
fishbowl - rainbow over the entrance (like this, emerald city inside (shimmering green on the window, building something like this
maybe the forest between ham and palm court, if for no other reason than these guys

so, the thing is, i've been thinking this would be a good theme for, what, four years? i just cannot possibly consider this without a LOT of support. so i haven't proposed the idea officially, i've just mentioned it to people who all seem to think it's a good idea.

now, nobody has said anything about doing a pcp. and i realize people are thesising, and i'm doing organic chem, but this is also my (and a lot of your) last chance to do something like this.

what do you think? would you be willing to help out?

i'll talk about it for a few days, and if 20 people agree to help (and actually pick one of the sections to help decorate), i say we do it. otherwise, goodbye idea, and i hope someone else can put something together. because damn, it's almost april, and i've heard NOTHING.

and the last thing i'll say on the pcp issue is that SERIOUSLY - the best pcps have been something we can all relate to which usually means childhood-related themes. alice in wonderland? where the wild things are? under the sea? dr. seuss?

SPRING BREAK LIST:

1. paper for newman (that i'm scared i will forget!)
2. o chem homework
3. submit irs paperwork
4. letters of recommendation
5. camping?
6. castling!

regardless, there are certain people (*looks at laura*) who i really need to catch up with! and last night's wall was so much fun..pretty much everyone was there and seemed to be enjoying it.

as for now, i am in a fantastic mood. fantastic. i haven't been this excited for a break since first year, for whatever reason. i really cannot wait to graduate anymore..it's taken two years longer than it should have, but whatever, i'm finally almost there!

burning out very badly right now. thank god spring break is in two days...just gotta push through two more days.

then?

SLEEP

AND

NO

TALK

OF

ORGANIC

CHEMISTRY.

okay, in weird trends: some weekends i look at my livejournal friends page and everyone has had a terrible weekend.

this seems to have been a fantastic weekend for everyone!

definitely the same here. megacon was amazing! XD

it's saturday. pcp happens in 12 hours. i haven't posted on here since the great mid-week drama, but i definitely want to thank all of you who have been super-sweet. i'm actually glad it's over so quickly, because it would be WAY worse if i had developed a serious attachment. i'm the kind of person that once i finally allow myself close to someone, i will never, ever forget them. that can be a good thing...especially when it comes to friendships. relationships, on the other hand? damn, do they ever end well? they need to stop ending, people need to make longer-term commitments instead of thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

but, i digress.

anyway, i'm excited! crystal and andy's party last night was ridiculously awesome, and it should be another fantastic night tonight.